Today, 82-year-old Hostess will be laid to rest. And I am sad. That chapter 11 bankruptcy filing was like breaking a hip. The old girl only went downhill from there.
Have I eaten Hostess in years? Actually, yes. Texas likes to fry shit, and I typically eat a fried Twinkie at the Texas State Fair. I’ve also had a random ding dong here and there over the past years. That said, it’s not like I was contributing to their success, say, like certain drinking establishments. But that’s not the point. This is the end of an era.
Part of my childhood has died. Despite the small detail that I loathe white bread (exception: Texas Toast) and the gummy, sugary, residue it leaves stuck to the roof of your mouth, I have a strong sense of nostalgia for Wonder Bread. I probably haven’t had it since I was 8 years old, but I remember my paternal grandmother serving us peanut butter sandwiches on white bread, with a side of crunchy cheetos, or maybe those puffy ones that came in x’s and o’s, extra cheesy. Hell, it was probably Mrs. Bairds anyway. But who’s really keeping track? Those white bread sandwiches were fantastic fuel for going to dig up fake dinosaur bones at the Fort Worth Museum of Science. I mean, why can’t it be 1992 again?!
So clearly the issue here is that along with dunkaroos, skip its, and VHS tapes of Homeward Bound, the late 80s and early 90s are slowly dying. Gone are the days of Pete and Pete, squeeze its and Hi-C orange, and the beloved sting of slap bracelets.
I’m praying that Little Debbie has some apocalypse-surviving technique. Secretly I’m team Little Debbie anyway. HELLO? NUTTY BARS! Also, I still buy those greasy, neon confetti-ed Cosmic Brownies sometimes, and the Christmas cakes are genius – so much better than the regular Zebra Cakes. And also also, idiots, Oatmeal Creme Pies are Little Debbie, so if you are moaning about them, get with your processed confection pastries. If only Honey Buns were a Hostess Product so they could get the fuck out of here. Can we honorably discharge them? Great, okay.
So if you need me, I’ll be burning candles and binge eating Snowballs under my desk.
If only she could have been the Hostess with the mostest….